After Republican vice-presidential nominee JD Vance denigrated women who keep cats and don’t have children, whom he characterized as sad “cat ladies,” the media erupted. None of my colleagues, to my knowledge, bothered with the No. 1 obligation of their trade: Get the other side of the story.
So, I thought it was my duty to go forth and interview at least one cat.
I can tell you dogs are easy to interview. They will tell you anything you want to hear and are prepared to perform for the camera. Horses are a journalistic dream: They love to be on camera, especially live television, and will tell you the most extraordinary things. The rule is: If it comes from a horse’s mouth, verify.
But cats are a different story. They go for still photographs, preferably on social media. Facebook is a veritable showcase of posing felines.
But moving pictures? Not as much. Actually, interviewing cats and taking candid pictures takes fortitude. It isn’t easy to get a cat that will open up.
After several disdainful rejections (cats really know how to disdain) a Tuxedo house cat of the male persuasion, whose owner is a childless, middle-age lady, agreed to be interviewed if I met certain conditions:
—No moving pictures, just stills suitable for social media.
—No petting or touching of any kind, unless initiated by the subject.
—No attempts to bribe with food or “blandishments.”
The interview took place in a comfortable, suburban home with a cat named “Simba,” but he refused to answer to that name. He seemed to be a cat, as Rudyard Kipling wrote, who walked by himself.
The homeowner gave me permission to interview her cat in his environment: a sofa draped with a plush, anti-scratch slipcover.
ME to CAT: You don’t like the name Simba?
CAT: It is a family name, but only applies to lions in Africa. We are close but we don’t socialize, except on the internet. If you go to Africa, I could arrange for you to be eaten. (A small, red tongue circled the rim of his mouth.)
ME: So you use the internet?
CAT: Of course. Nearly all domestic cats have computer skills and can crack passwords.
ME: What is the deal with childless women?
CAT: We love them because children interrupt our lives at every level, from sleeping to surfing the net. Also, ladies are malleable. Children manhandle you and have been known to throw cats out of windows, so they can find out how many lives we have.
ME: You are a house cat. How do you feel about that?
CAT: It is a lifestyle choice. I chose comfort over adventure. Would you turn the air-conditioning up two degrees? Do you know we were worshipped in ancient Egypt and, indeed, we are divine. Silly to try to define how many lives we have: We are eternal.
ME: What do you think of people?
CAT: They have their uses, particularly if they leave their computers on, spend oodles of money on you at PetSmart, and provide companionship on demand. Our call, not theirs.
ME: What sites do you visit on the net when you are surfing?
CAT: “Hot Cats” is my favorite, very risqué.
ME: What do you think about JD Vance?
CAT: You are so slow. Why did it take you so long to ask the only question you want answered?
ME: I was seeking context.
CAT: I could scratch you. Would that be context enough?
ME: Well, what about the Republican vice-presidential pick?
CAT: If he sets foot in Africa, I will have one of my lion cousins, Simba or Leo, drive him up a tree and reason with him. He has caused me personal grief.
ME: How come?
CAT: My companion-lady — cats don’t allow people to own them, you know — was a loyal Republican and that was fine. Cats are more conservative. Dogs, I believe, are all Democrats.
She has become a Democrat and is thinking of adopting a child. If that happens, I shall have to consider new living arrangements.
Now, change my litter, take a picture of me sitting on the piano and post it to Facebook. I haven’t been on social media since the unpleasantness with JD Vance. Such a weird man. I may have to rig a voting machine or two.
ME: Can I ask ….
CAT: We are finished. Don’t forget to take the soiled litter on the way out.
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